


Hearts Can Be Remade

by Aria_Lerendeair



Series: Aria's SH Bingo Fics 2019-2020 [36]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: (FAILED ATTEMPT), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, Fix-It, Healthy Communication, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Raphael & Catarina & Jace are the "Fix This Shit" Squad, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, True Love's Kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:15:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24959764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aria_Lerendeair/pseuds/Aria_Lerendeair
Summary: Magnus had felt regret in his life before, but the realization that he was not only cruel to Alec, he had wanted to make him hurt just as badly as he did?  It was enough to break him.Especially after Alec's declaration.A Sequel to Lawsofchaos'Stone Can Be Broken
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Aria's SH Bingo Fics 2019-2020 [36]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1595839
Comments: 125
Kudos: 1013
Collections: Favorite Malec Stories





	Hearts Can Be Remade

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lawsofchaos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lawsofchaos/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Stone Can Be Broken](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24954715) by [lawsofchaos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lawsofchaos/pseuds/lawsofchaos). 



> READ THE TAGS. There's a happy ending and nothing happens to anyone, but this is definitely a HEAVY fic. 
> 
> THIS FIC IS ALL LAWS' FAULT WHO WROTE THE MOST INCREDIBLE FIC AND FUCKING DESTROYED MY HEART AND I HAD TO, WELL, NOT FIX IT, BECAUSE IT ENDS PERFECTLY PERFECT, BUT I WANTED TO TAKE A STAB AT WRITING THE CONVERSATION SHE HINTS AT. SO I DID. 
> 
> (Because I am nothing if not a multi-tasker, this is also a Bingo Fill for Fill: Portals!)

_ Fuck.  _

His father would be proud. 

Wielding cruelty like the Damocles sword it was, destroying others for nothing more than the sheer amusement. 

Magnus let out a shaky breath, his lungs aching. His magic was rioting under his skin, barely contained, attempting to pull him in a thousand directions all at once. 

And at the basest of it all, beneath the sorrow, hurt, and anger rested the truth of his universe. Alec Lightwood was his true love. That he _always_ had been. 

A fact that he had forced Alec to lay bare in front of the rest of the Downworld Cabinet tonight, his heartbreak and cruelty on full display for the others present. 

Magnus tried to take another breath, but his lungs burned with it. Alec had saved him because there had never been another choice for him. It didn't matter how much it hurt, or how much pain it had cost him. It was the same decision that he would always make. 

He looked up at the empty room and summoned a portal, staring at it. Where the hell could he even go? 

Home? Where every room, every inch of his loft, was saturated with reminders of Alec, of his presence, of their love? 

His hands started to tremble. 

The urge to run was searing through him, violent and desperate. Run until he couldn't feel, until there was nothing but distractions from the pain, until it faded to a dull roar, always present in his ears. 

No matter how far he ran, the truth would always be there, with every beat of his heart. 

Alec was his true love. 

Alec, who loved him without reservation, who would love him for the rest of his life, who had borne his lashing out and his cruelty with the steadfastness of a boy who had received many of that kind of beating in his life. 

A cry left his lips and Magnus dissipated the portal, reaching out to plant his hands on the table, watching as it remained wood, remained a reminder of just who and _what_ Alec was to him. He clenched his fingers into the wood, struggling to breathe through the oppressive weight of his magic screaming under his skin, responding to his emotions. 

Even if he did find Alec, even if he did go to him now, and try to say, to say that it was true, that it was both ways, even if he apologized... 

Catarina was right. He'd broken far more tonight than Alec's trust. He'd done his best to break Alec, and if the expression on his face as he fled the room was an indicator? He'd succeeded. 

Unbidden, the image of Alec falling off the edge of the roof of his building appeared and Magnus grabbed the chair made of stone, heaving it away from the table, watching as it hit the ground and shattered. His magic was crawling out of his skin now, licking over his hands and arms in waves of flames as he tried to draw breath. 

The sound of the chair hitting the ground had brought several shadowhunters running and Magnus knew precisely how he looked, deranged, and out of control, his magic snapping over his skin. He clenched his hands into fists and tried to breathe, even as the noise of their questions washed over him. 

"Magnus?" 

Magnus' eyes snapped open and he looked over his shoulder at Isabelle Lightwood, who was several steps in front of the others, her expression caught between worried and angry. He snarled again and banished the mess of the chair, the flames growing around him. 

Trust could be repaired. _Rebuilt._ He'd known that. Had known, going into a relationship with Alec, that he would stumble, that they would struggle. And now, now he had no one to blame for the destruction of their relationship but himself. A self-fulfilling prophecy. 

"Magnus, you need to focus on controlling your power." 

Magnus wanted to laugh at the idea that he could control anything, any longer. He'd found his true love. They'd loved each other with a fierceness that he could never imagine, and he'd destroyed it all. In front of others, because he'd wanted to make Alec _hurt._ He'd been cruel and unforgiving and... 

He looked at Isabelle and straightened his spine, the power around him abruptly dying out. He turned away from her, summoned a portal, and stepped through, shutting it behind him with the most violent gesture he could manage, his magic roaring, demanding more, demanding that he needed to destroy things, to tear them apart until it stopped hurting. 

~!~ 

It was dark. 

Magnus didn't bother to summon magic to light the space. He knew where he was. Isabelle's eyes, the pity in them, the worry, and even the fear, none of it could hold a candle to the shattered expression on Alexander's face as he'd fled the Council meeting. 

Dying to the curse would have hurt less. 

Magnus tried to breathe, but the air was heavy. There was nothing left for him now. He'd destroyed it. 

Magnus Bane. _Great Destruction._

Living up to his name in the only way that he could. He'd been given the greatest gift life could bestow upon an individual and he'd torn it apart, shredded it with his own hands. And worse, worse than that, he’d  _ meant _ to. He’d destroyed it all. Of course, Alec thought it was his fault, and would blame himself, but no. Magnus had destroyed them, just as easily as he had a thousand times before. 

How long would it be before Alec found himself standing on the edge of another roof, this time with no boyfriend to catch him?

Magnus' magic licked over his skin again, the flames dancing along his torso and down his legs, growing at his feet. He wanted to scream, wanted to let the pain explode out of him until there was nothing left of him. He'd ruined it all, because he was too broken, too damaged for someone as good as Alec. 

And yet... 

Alec had borne every blow. Every single one, and had still saved him. Hadn't hesitated. 

Magnus tried to breathe, but the inky blackness around him was oppressive and he tried to fight back the tears that threatened. He'd destroyed Alec, every part of him. Even if he went back, there were no amends that he could make, no way that even Alec, even kind, gentle Alec, who tried so hard to do the right thing and failed, could forgive him. 

He didn't deserve forgiveness. He'd destroyed them. He'd wanted to, and the knowledge made his skin crawl in horror and power. Again and again, he showed that he was only built to destroy. To tear down anything good, until nothing but he remained. 

How much had he destroyed tonight? What had he cost the entire Downworld tonight with his actions? He'd forced them all to pay the price. 

Magnus fought down the urge to scream, bringing his hands to his hair, pulling hard enough that the pinpricks of pain brought back a semblance of control. Catarina had been right. He'd broken, he'd destroyed, so much. There was no repairing, no rebuilding, there was no way to fix any of what he'd torn apart. 

True Love's kiss had saved him, and he'd... 

A sob escaped him as he dropped to his knees, more and more power coalescing around him. The blackness stayed present, enveloping him, swallowing the flames and preventing them from growing further. Magnus tightened his fingers in the stone of the ground, the pain the only thing keeping him from losing his control entirely. He bent down and felt his magic ripping through him, responding to his emotions, out of control and torn, just like his heart. 

He pressed his forehead to the ground and let his magic begin to rip him to pieces, just like he'd done to Alec. He _deserved_ it. 

The son of a Greater Demon had destroyed his own true love. 

How fitting that he should be destroyed in turn. 

Magnus breathed and let the magic that had grown beyond him, had morphed into a strangled ball of grief, regret, anger, and pain, grow and stared it down as it came for him. It tore at him, just as he'd torn at Alexander. His skin burned, his lungs ached and the fire destroying him felt like forgiveness he didn't deserve. 

The ring of his cell phone broke the silence. 

Magnus froze. The sound echoed again, coming from his pocket. His whole body ached, his magic icy pinpricks in his veins as he fumbled for it, his fingertips blistered and burnt. He stared at it, tears rolling down his cheeks. 

_ Raphael.  _

Raphael was calling him. 

Magnus breathed and tried to reign himself in, but it was impossible now. The magic around him waited. Waited for him to allow it in, to follow the command he had given it - to make him hurt as he had hurt. But it had stopped. It was _waiting._

The phone went black as the call went unanswered. 

Magnus closed his eyes and waited for the magic to descend on him again. 

The phone began to ring again. 

Magnus growled and grabbed the phone, flipping it open. "What?" he snarled, his voice hoarse with pain, pain that he needed, that he deserved. 

"Where are you?" Raphael asked. "You aren't at home." 

"No," Magnus said, clenching his hand around the phone. "It's your home now. I won't be coming back." 

"Magnus," Raphael snapped. "Where the hell are you?" 

"It doesn't matter," Magnus breathed. "What do you want?" 

"Tell me where you are right now, or I will have Catarina track you." 

Magnus breathed, even as his lungs burned like the seared flesh on his hands and arms and legs. He lifted his eyes to the version of himself made of his own magic that was watching him and closed his eyes. "Raphael, please." 

Raphael was silent for several long, painful seconds. "Is that it, then?" 

Magnus wanted to tell him no, wanted to tell him that he would fight this. But he'd destroyed it all, and it was only fitting that he be destroyed so he couldn't wield his cruelty on anything, anyone else. "It's what is right," he breathed. Alec's shattered expression flooded his mind's eye and Magnus couldn't breathe through the pain anymore. 

"Coward!" Raphael snarled. "Come back here and fix what you have broken." 

"I can't," Magnus said, his voice weak. "I can't. I destroyed it, Raphael. It's gone." 

"Is that what you think you've done? That you've broken things so far beyond repair that you are going to, to, what? Jump off another bridge since Camille isn't there to stop you?" Raphael wiped his sleeve across his eyes angrily. "You're going to abandon us all? Catarina? Me? Alexan-" 

"Don't," Magnus begged. He couldn't bear to hear the name. He couldn't. "It's, you're better off-" 

"Portal here and tell that to my face," Raphael snapped. "Portal here, right now, Magnus, and tell me that to my face. I dare you." 

Magnus sagged and kept the phone pressed to his ear. "There is no fixing this," he whispered. "There is no fixing what I did to him tonight." 

_"Try!"_ Raphael shouted. "Try, dammit!" 

Magnus was silent and he met the golden cat’s eyes in the cloud of his magic in front of him. He was hollowed out. _Empty._ What was left for him now? "No apology fixes what I did to him. Nothing can rebuild what I broke." 

Raphael snarled. "Magnus Bane, if you dare to do anything tonight, I swear, on every god that there is in this universe, I will call Alec Lightwood and get him to parabatai track you to where you are and come  _ stop _ you." 

"He won't come," Magnus said, his voice faint as the magic came for him again. "Why would he come? He wouldn't come." He was certain of that. He'd made sure of it. 

A tear escaped, falling down his cheek, immediately erased by the flames. "I'm sorry," he whispered to Raphael, hitting the end call button. He'd broken so much. If he was gone, they'd be able to rebuild, they'd...they'd...

_ "Magnus." _

Alec's voice was far away and Magnus could barely feel the pain of his magic tearing at him any longer. Was Alec's voice going to be the last one he heard, filled with love, concern, and worry?  _ Cruel. _ Fitting for him. He deserved it. 

Abruptly, he was yanked back from the magic, and his skin began to burn again, and the scent of charred and blistering flesh filled his nose, even as the familiar touch of healing magic crawled over him. He knew this magic. "No!" he shouted, protesting, even as he was pulled back from the magic he had let loose. It was fading into the blackness. "No, please," he begged. 

The darkness came for him, and this time Magnus let it. 

~!~ 

Alec sighed and stared at Catarina across from him, even as he watched her work. "Where was that place?" he asked, his voice quiet. "I've never seen anything like that before." 

Catarina sighed. "It's in the Spiral Labyrinth. We call them the Silencing Rooms." She looked down at Magnus and then back to Alec. "When you're learning control, sometimes your emotions get the better of you, and it's one of the few places on earth that someone like Magnus could let go of his power, truly let go, and it would hurt no one else." 

"No one else but him," Alec said, his eyes drifting down to Magnus' body, stretched out on the sheets. His heart twisted again, but it was a familiar pain, pushed back by fear and concern. 

"That's not normal," Catarina said. "It's supposed to just swallow your magic. Just, let you get it out of your system, so you can regain control." 

Alec frowned and looked up at her. "Then what was that? That, version of him, made of magic?" 

Catarina sighed. "He gave his magic a direction when he released it. A singular order. And then he released enough magic that not even the Silencing Room could deaden it fast enough to stop it from acting." 

Alec hung his head. "What was the order?" he asked. 

Catarina was silent, even as she finished healing the last of the burns on Magnus. She could feel his magic, barely a seed in him, slowly restoring itself. "You need to focus on yourself tonight. I'll take him home." 

Alec swallowed and nodded, the familiar yawning pain in his chest waiting for him, the second he walked out the door. His hands began to tremble. "Thank you for calling me." 

"Thank Raphael. He acted quickly enough for us to get there to stop him," Catarina said. She looked up at Alec and watched his shoulders slump. She could see the echoes of the expression on his face when he'd run from the Council meeting earlier. "Don't make me answer a second call tonight." 

Alec barked out a laugh and shook his head. "No. No more calls for you, Catarina. Take him home and take care of him. He'll, he'll need you." 

Catarina watched Alec Lightwood stand, take another quick glance at Magnus on the bed, the longing obvious in his face, before he nodded, squared his shoulders, and left the room. With a quick wave of her hands, she glamoured the room to make it look as though they had left, and cuffed Magnus to the infirmary bed before she sent a quick spell through Magnus to wake him up. 

She watched him blink and waited. 

~!~ 

Magnus stared at the ceiling. The ceiling that he knew. The wards that he could feel, even as magically depleted as he was. Worse still, he could smell the faint hint of cologne that meant that... 

He didn't focus on it. Instead, he turned his head to look at Catarina, her stony face, and the way she crossed her arms. His body ached, but even like this, he could tell that she'd healed him, almost completely. He closed his eyes and leaned back into the pillows, taking in the weight on his wrists. 

"When I told you to fix it, tonight? This wasn't what I meant." 

Magnus sighed and breathed out, slowly. It hurt, but it was nowhere near the pain that it should have been. His magic was so low he couldn't do anything more than look at her again. "Why am I here?" 

Catarina's expression hardened. "Because I refuse to let that bitch and what she did to you, win. I refuse to let her treatment of you take you from me." 

"I can't fix it," Magnus whispered. He closed his eyes. "I destroyed so much. Lived up to my name. My father would be proud, so proud of the destruction I wrought on the one who loves me despite it all. My true love." He scoffed. 

Catarina's lips pressed together in a thin line. "You were cruel tonight," she agreed. "Crueler than I have ever seen you be." 

"I know," Magnus said, his voice quiet. "Why did you stop me?" 

"I already told you," Catarina said. 

Magnus opened his eyes and glanced at her, before staring at the ceiling. "There is no fixing what I did tonight." He thought of the flinch of Alexander's face when he'd reminded him that he'd kissed many people he didn't love. Many people who were not his true love. 

Catarina sighed. "You are the only one who believes that, Magnus." 

"He shouldn't forgive me for what I did," Magnus continued, shaking his head. "He should hate me." 

"And yet," Catarina said, her voice quiet. "He loves you. And will continue to love you, until the day that he dies." 

The reminder was painful and Magnus tried to take a deep breath around the ache in his chest that hadn't stopped hurting for hours now. A tear escaped and trailed down at his cheek, even as he kept staring at the cracks in the ceiling. 

"You nearly had your own magic tear you apart tonight, Magnus. You were in enough pain that-" 

"I am aware," Magnus said, his voice rough. He could still feel the phantom touch of the wild magic he'd let out of himself. "I am aware of exactly what I did, Cat. Living up to my name, as it were." 

"Fixing this starts with talking to him," Catarina said, staring him down. "It starts with you being honest and telling him you were hurt and you lied. You lashed out, wanting to hurt him." 

Magnus flinched, well-aware of the truth to her words. "He will never forgive me for what I said tonight." 

"If you actually think that he wouldn't forgive you fucking anything, you're an idiot," a gruff voice said. 

Magnus closed his eyes again at the sound of Jace. He pressed his lips tighter together and resolved to stay silent. Jace had never shied away from making his opinion known when he wanted it to be. 

"You going to sit there feeling sorry for yourself, or are you going to talk to him?" Jace snapped. "Or should I let you go find a bridge to walk off of and tell him that, at a later date? That he saved you tonight, but-" 

"What do you mean saved me tonight?" Magnus growled, glaring at him. "He wouldn't-" 

"Magnus," Catarina interrupted. "When I found you in the Silencing Room, you were being attacked by your own magic. It was ripping you apart. I couldn't get near you." 

Dread grew in Magnus' chest, and he stared at her, because somehow, _somehow_ he knew the next thing she was going to tell him without being told. 

"Alec walked into the room, without fear, and pulled you out. He turned his back on the magic you had let loose and walked out," Catarina said. "It didn't hurt him." 

Magnus swallowed, clenching his hands into the blankets of the bed. True Love. The one his magic would never, could never harm. Had claimed as his own down to the very deepest levels of him. He'd suspected, but to hear it confirmed, his magic, his very soul  _ ached _ at the knowledge that even now, even after everything, Alec had come to save him. 

Jace snorted and rolled his eyes. "Do you know Alec at all?" he challenged, staring at Magnus. 

Magnus growled, glaring at the nephilim. "Of course-" 

"No," Jace snapped, cutting him off with a wave of his hand. "Since you seem to be fucking surprised at the idea that he would do that for you. Do you, honestly, know him at all?" 

Magnus stared down Jace, his chest too tight at the implication Jace was making. "I know him," he managed, trying to get the word out of his mouth. 

"I don't think you do," Jace challenged. "I watched you shatter him, Magnus. Again and again, in that room. I watched you imply that not only did you not love him just as deeply, which we both know is horseshit, but that he  _ claimed _ to love you. Like you didn't  _ know.”  _

Magnus tried to breathe, but his chest ached all over again, his heart pounding too hard in his chest. Catarina was silent beside him, watching. 

"And after all of that, all of that, the second he heard what was happening, he dropped everything, and I mean everything, to help you," Jace continued. "So I ask you, Magnus. Do you really think that you know him?" 

Magnus stared at Jace, at the way his eyes shone gold in his anger. Thought about his reactions to the Council meeting. "I wanted to," he said, instead. 

"Wanted to, or want to?" 

The answer to that question was an impossible one. It would involve beginning to fix what had happened, what he had destroyed, and ripped to shreds. It would require facing Alexander, after everything he had said and done, and begging for forgiveness that he didn't deserve. 

Jace sighed. "God, I wish I could fucking hate you right now, I _really_ do." 

Magnus lifted his eyes and stared at Alexander's parabatai, at the anger and frustration in his posture and the hurt that he could see clouding his eyes. "Why don't you? After everything I did?" 

"Because. A long time ago, I was a broken boy who did my best to destroy everything I was given. I pushed everyone away who wanted to help me, destroyed any bridges they attempted to build again and again and again," Jace said, staring Magnus down. "And I watched, again, and again and again, my brother, get knocked down, get hurt, get insulted and ripped apart by me, and get back up to do it all again." 

Magnus blinked and stared at Jace. The words echoed in his mind and he could feel the truth of them. 

"I've hurt Alec, Magnus," Jace continued, his voice softening. "Far more deeply than you know. I've thrown his feelings for me into his face when that was a thing. I've insulted him, gone behind his back, hurt him in training, you name it, I can guarantee I have done it." He took a step towards the bed and tightened his arms over his chest. "He has never, ever, stopped loving me, or wanting to be my parabatai, or supporting me." 

Magnus froze, every inch of him arrested by the soft _certainty_ that colored Jace's words. 

"That's Alec's gift, Magnus. His love, his heart, is unconditional. He will break himself, again and again, to support others and prop them up." He gave a brief, wry smile. "The worst part of feeling him hurt with everything you said tonight? Was the overpowering feeling that he deserved it, for what he did to you, how he broke your trust." 

"Magnus," Catarina's voice came, breaking the soft spell that had fallen on the room. 

Magnus blinked at her, turning to look at her, and abruptly, he became aware of the tears streaking down his cheeks and he wiped, frantically, at his face, glad when the cuffs around his wrists disappeared a second later. "You cannot..." he swallowed and forced himself to breathe. "You cannot want me in Alexander's life, after...after everything." 

Jace shrugged. "You're _It_ for Alec, Magnus. There's no one else for him. There will never be anyone else. Whether he forgives you is up to him, but you being in his life is an inevitable thing from my perspective." 

Magnus swallowed and stared down at the blanket again, wiping his cheeks once more when he realized that he was still crying. 

"If I could offer a piece of advice, as Alec's parabatai?" 

Magnus nodded, even though he didn't make himself look at Jace again. He couldn't. 

"Whatever you say to him tonight? Whatever those words are? Make them _count._ Because tomorrow, when he walks out of his bedroom? Your chance will be gone." 

It was another few seconds before Magnus heard the door to his room shut and he didn't look at Catarina. His magic was slowly growing back, but his heart still ached, and, even though he moved to climb out of bed, his legs felt unsteady under him. 

What words could he offer Alexander that could even begin to explain? He looked to Catarina and met her eyes, accepting the hand from her that helped him stand upright. 

"Fix it, Magnus," Catarina said. "Camille broke you. But she hasn't beaten you. Don't let her take away the best thing this life has ever given you." 

Magnus swallowed and forced himself to nod again. "All right," he said, his voice hoarse. He summoned a portal, even though the effort of it was almost enough to bring him to his knees. There was only one place that Alexander would have gone, after tonight. Only one place that he would be. 

Stepping out onto the roof, Magnus managed to keep up the glamour that Catarina had cast, but only barely. Alec was standing on the far end of the roof, bow in hand, posture held, until the arrow released, striking the bullseye. Magnus watched Alec draw arrow after arrow, even as he moved closer. 

As soon as he released the last arrow, Alec lowered his bow and sighed. "I know you're there, Magnus." 

Magnus let the glamour dissipate with a wave of his hand, standing a few feet from Alec, watching as he strode across the roof to pick up his arrows. His movements were jerky, and Alec wasn't wearing his shooting glove. Twice in less than two hours, Alec had saved his life, without a thought to his own well-being, heart, or safety. He always would, if Jace was to be believed, and, as well as he knew Alec, Magnus was inclined to believe him, just this once. 

Magnus watched Alec stride past him again, back into position, drawing an arrow, holding it, before releasing it. He could see the way Alec’s arms trembled, even though his hands were steady. A second and a third arrow were fired, and he still hadn’t found the words he needed to say. He had to make them count. 

Alec fired the fourth arrow with a grunt. “If you’re standing there because you’re afraid I’m going to take another swan dive off the roof, I assure you, I’m fine. Go home and rest. You certainly need it after earlier.” 

“Why did you save me?” Magnus blurted, the words escaping before he could stop them. 

Alec paused and lowered the bow, turning his eyes to Magnus. “There’s no audience now, and I’m not interested in playing your game, Magnus. I’m fine, not that you care any longer. _Go.”_

Jace’s warning echoed in his mind again, and Magnus stepped closer, watching as Alec drew and fired another arrow, the scent of blood leaking into the air. There were no words. Nothing that could be built to fix this bridge. But he’d promised to try. His limbs were heavy and his chest still ached with magical exhaustion. He shifted and sat down, his whole body sagging, even as Alec fired another arrow. 

“What are you doing?” Alec asked, turning to look at Magnus with a frown. 

“Sitting.” 

Alec scowled. “Why?” 

Magnus sighed and shifted to rest his elbows on his thighs. “Because I’m tired,” he said, staring at the cobblestones of the roof. He didn’t bother to look up at Alec, even though he didn’t hear the other man moving. “Magic that spins out of our control, driven by emotions, is called wild magic. It can’t be reigned in. It simply  _ is.”  _ He could feel Alec looking at him again and he spared a moment to wonder if these were the right words, before he continued. 

“Wild magic is terrifyingly dangerous. It can be given a vague direction, but often, it decides how to follow that direction,” Magnus traced one of the cobblestones beside him and waited. 

“You gave yours an order. Catarina said as much. What was it?” Alec asked. 

“To destroy me,” Magnus said, the words sitting heavy on his tongue. He tilted his head back and looked up at the stars. “To tear me to shreds, exactly as I had shredded you.” He heard a wounded sound from Alec and another tear escaped and trailed down his cheek. “I was so unforgivably cruel to you. I deserved it.” 

“No, no, Magnus you didn’t-” Alec froze when Magnus held up a hand, his face still tilted towards the stars. 

“You did not deserve what I did to you today. You saved me. Not only did I hurt you, I  _ meant _ to hurt you, which is unfathomably worse.” Magnus let out a hoarse laugh and swallowed, tears falling faster down his cheeks. 

“Magnus,” Alec started, taking another hesitant step forward. “You-” 

“I,” Magnus cut him off. “-want you to understand a few things, Alexander. They’re important.” When Alec said nothing further, Magnus continued. “You should not have lied to me, you know that. Lying to me, hurting me, even breaking someone’s heart…” he paused to try to breathe through the tears, but it was impossible to take a full breath. “...none of that, _none_ of it, means you deserve what I did to you today. Cruelty, for the sake of being nothing more than cruel, is one of the worst crimes you can commit against someone you care about.” 

Alec swallowed and tightened his hand around his bow, watching Magnus, even as he blinked slowly and continued to stare at the stars. 

“Truthfully,” Magnus said after another pause, a sad laugh escaping him. “It’s unforgivable. Made worse by the fact that…” he trailed off, tears sliding down his cheeks even faster. “Made worse,” he continued, his voice softening. “By the fact that the kiss would have worked, even if you didn’t still…” 

Alec’s bow clattered to the ground. 

Magnus blinked slowly when he felt Alec’s hands on his cheeks, and took in the sight of Alec kneeling in front of him, the hope in his eyes making them wild and bright. The hope there made his heart ache. How had he not broken Alec like he did everything else? Why was he kneeling there, ready to jump right into things without a care for himself in the world? 

“Magnus,” Alec breathed. “If you can ever forgive me, if, if there’s any chance-” 

Magnus’ laugh was raw and pained even as he pitched forward, his forehead pressed against Alec’s soft cotton t-shirt. “Alexander, I just-” 

_“Fuck,”_ Alec breathed, a sob escaping him, even as he pressed his face to the side of Magnus’ hair. “Thought, thought I’d never hear you say my name like that again, Magnus.” 

Magnus reached out, clenching his fingers in the shirt Alec was wearing, trying to breathe, even as he felt Alec’s tears against him. “I just told you what I did is unforgivable,” he whispered. 

“And I am never going to love someone else the way I love you, Magnus,” Alec breathed. “So maybe you need to let me be the one to define unforgivable.” 

“I’m sorry,” Magnus whispered, his voice breaking on the words, shifting so he could nuzzle into Alec’s neck. “I’m so sorry, Alexander.” He felt Alec’s arms come around him as he shuffled awkwardly closer. “I, please, Alexander, I, if there’s anything I can do to even begin to earn your forgiveness-” 

“You already have it,” Alec interrupted. “It’s yours, Magnus. I forgive you.” 

A sob clawed its way out of Magnus’ throat and he pressed his face harder against Alec, marveling at the heart of this one, stupid, _stubborn_ Nephilim, who was his true love, who was so determined to protect his heart, he would do it at the sacrifice of his own. 

“How,” Magnus whispered. “How can you forgive me so easily, after what I did?” 

“Forgiveness does not mean forgetting,” Alec whispered back. “We need to talk about today, about what happened. I...some of the things you said today…” he took a shaky breath. “They’re, they’re going to haunt me for a while, Magnus.” He slid his hands slowly up Magnus’ neck and cupped his face, pulling him back just enough so their eyes could meet. “But if my options are working on forgiving you, or losing you forever? There’s no choice for me, Magnus. There  _ never _ will be.” 

Magnus let out a slow and unsteady breath, his heart pounding, even as he stared at Alexander, at the conviction and certainty in his eyes. He gave a small nod and leaned in, pressing their foreheads together. “I’m so sorry, Alexander. I was, I was at my worst today and I never meant for you to, to see that, or have to-” 

“Maybe you needed someone who could forgive you even at your absolute worst, Magnus. Did you ever think about that?” Alec whispered into the space between their lips, holding him close. “That maybe,  _ maybe, _ you needed someone who was going to fight for you, even then? Because they know your worst isn’t  _ you?” _

Magnus stared at Alec with wide, unglamoured eyes, tears still rolling down his cheeks in slow tracks. 

Alec smiled, faintly, his thumbs brushing away the tear tracks, meeting Magnus’ golden eyes, a sight he never thought he’d see again. “Because...if I ever considered trying to find a definition for True Love? I think it would be two people who could see each other at their absolute worst...and still know that they are better together than they ever could be apart.” 

“I like that definition,” Magnus whispered, his eyes fluttering as Alec brushed their noses together. 

“So do I,” Alec breathed, pulling Magnus in until there was only a whisper of space between their lips. “You’ll always be mine, Magnus Bane.’ 

“And you’ll always be mine, Alexander Gideon Lightwood.” 

Alec’s kiss was the benediction of forgiveness, the light of love, and the hope of a future. 

**Author's Note:**

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